Getting Out of My Head

Tonight I had a nice little therapy sesh with SIL over some fondue at the Melting Pot (yummmm). It was quite nice and a great reminder that I simply need to get out of my head! Unfortunately, it's not simple. If it were, I wouldn't be typing this blog post right now.

Let's talk about why I need to get out of my head shall we?? Hmmm...this should be an interesting post! I apologize if I end up all over the place. My mind tends to wander as I type.

Demon #1 - The not good enough demon. I touched on this in my Excuses post. This is a horrible demon of mine. One might think that feeling not good enough wouldn't be such a bad thing. Perhaps it would give you that drive to move faster, do better, eat healthier, etc. But, for me, it's completely opposite. It totally defeats me. It makes it hard to keep going and it frustrates the HELL out of me. Therefore, I need to figure out how to make things ENOUGH. My 13 min/mile or 14 min/mile or whatever minute per mile needs to be ENOUGH. Can it be something I want to improve while still being "good enough"?? Certainly it can! It's all about getting out of my head. All I need to do is believe that just doing it is step #1...and then working to improve it is step #2! And to know, that within trying to reach #2, I will inevitably have set backs....AND THAT'S OK...and to be expected frankly. I seemed to be able to do this last year. I was ECSTATIC when I crossed that finish line in Cleveland at 2:56...and I worked hard and improved that time to 2:41. I think because I never really questioned it being good enough. But yet, here I am now. I need to figure out how I got here, why, and how to change it.

Demon #2 - the comparison trap. I compare myself to everything and everyone. I compare myself to the people who stay home and sleep in on Sunday mornings and that makes me feel good about what I do. However, I more often compare myself to the people who ARE out there running and are doing it faster, farther, better than me. If that's not bad enough, I compare me to a past me. It's not quite as bad as comparing me to my high school self or something; but I compare myself to where I was last year and think that I should be faster, smaller, running different intervals, a stronger rider, faster swimmer - whatever! I need to start looking at things in the moment. I can certainly look at numbers and such to improve upon what I'm doing. But, if I felt good while doing it - then go with it! Like I said yesterday, I felt AWESOME at the end of my workout. Then, I tried to talk myself out of feeling good by comparing it to what I was doing at this point last year and felt that it should have been better! REALLY?!?! This demon ends up going back to Demon 1 with the feeling of not being good enough. Ugh - horrible cycle that I need to stop.

Demon #3 - not sure how I want to word this one. Hmmm...maybe just the ability to use anything to sabotage myself! Here's what I mean....

HA! I would LOVE my scale to ever say that number!

Example #1 - the dreaded scale. This is one of my best sources of sabotage for myself. I've done it all...weigh myself once a day; once a week; attempt to wait once a month; not at all; multiple times a day...ALL OF IT. And every single strategy has worked to help sabotage my efforts if I want it to. If I'm weighing myself every day and the scale gives me a # that is higher than I think it should be, I get frustrated so I eat. On the flip side, the scale shows me a # that is perhaps smaller than where I think it should be, I'm happy and figure that perhaps my body can handle more calories so I EAT! When my mind is really in the "game" I simply use it as a tool. I take note of the number, eat as planned that day and move on. If I choose not to weigh myself at all, I inevitably gain weight so that certainly doesn't work. I need to continue to work on using the scale as a tool and that is all.

Example #2 - using positive affirmations to ultimately sabotage myself. I think it's good now and again to remind myself that a lot of people my size would not or perhaps could not do the things that I'm doing. Frankly, people half my size don't do some of things I'm doing. But, using that as a reason to make it feel OK to be this size is not good. Yes, one can be fat and fit - I truly believe that..it's the entire basis of this blog. However, do I also believe that I would be overall healthier and even MORE fit if I lost some weight??? Abso-friggin-lutely! So, just because other people don't attempt triathlons and marathons, doesn't make it OK to stay 50+lbs overweight. It IS okay when I accept it and move on towards making the changes necessary to lose that weight. It doesn't even have to be a plan to lose it quickly, but filling my body with crap simply because "I burned 1500+ calories today so I can" is stupid. I think that attitude every once in a while (even once a week) is not a bad thing,  but when I'm doing that 2-4 times per week it becomes a little ridiculous to justify overeating (or drinking) because of that.

Ok. I'm sure there are more demons, but I'm tired and this was enough soul searching for one night! It's kind of exhausting! I need to get up and run tomorrow morning and then stop to swim after work. Getting up in the morning to workout when I'm doing it by myself is a HUGE weakness. Feel free to ask me tomorrow how my run in the morning went! I have no doubt I'll swim in the afternoon. I enjoy swimming and stopping on my way home from work is easy because I'm already out.

And with that, I'll leave you for tonight. Here's to a day of workouts and healthy eating tomorrow!