Numbers

Clearly it's been a rough week. I haven't blogged because I feel like a broken record. I feel like I keep saying the same negative things over and over again and I can't imagine anyone likes to read that. Frankly, I don't like to type it. But, the point of this blog was never to try to gain a huge audience or say things that really interest other people. The point of this blog was to give me an outlet to "talk" about my journey. Of course I hope people out there read it; I hope people can comment and help me when I need help...or even read it quietly and take something from it that will also help them in some way. But even so...to continuously write posts about how difficult it is or how I ate/drank too much today or how I didn't exercise or am slow and fat, etc...it just gets old!

Today was weigh in. It wasn't good. I gained 4.2lbs back. Yup...you read that right.  Probably one of the worst gains I've had in 1 week in a LONG time - perhaps ever. But. That's it. It's done. I took a week off and now I'm back.

So, I wanted to talk about something super positive today! I went to my doctor on Friday to have just an annual check up and get my cholesterol checked. Let me give you a little background first. I have ALWAYS had high cholesterol. It's hereditary and I have a long line of high cholesterol in my family. Even back in college when I probably weighed 160lbs, my overall cholesterol was 230. In 2010 it was down to 209 (the lowest it had ever been in my life), but all the #'s were wrong. For example, my good cholesterol was lower than it should be, my bad cholesterol was high, my triglyercides were high, etc, etc.

My blood pressure, on the other hand, has ALWAYS been low. Like 100/50 low. Lately it hasn't been so low - even last year after losing 40lbs it was the highest it's ever been.

And I have had a slight heart murmur since I can remember. Never a big enough deal to have to take antibiotics to go to the dentist or anything, but noticeable enough that doctors always tell me about it.

So, Friday I had this appointment. My doctor was commenting on how my heart couldn't sound better. She said it was pumping at such a low rate (a good thing) and my pulse was nice and low. She also said she could not hear the murmur. She said that they can sometimes come and go and sometimes they can go away for good! Crazy.

When I got my test results for the cholesterol I just about fainted!

Component	Your Value	Standard Range	Units	Flag
Triglyceride	38	30 - 149	mg/dL
Cholesterol	192	100 - 199	mg/dL
HDL Cholesterol	63	>55	mg/dL
VLDL Cholesterol	8	6 - 40	mg/dL
LDL Cholesterol	121	60 - 129	mg/dL
Fasting Time	14		hrs
TC:HDL Ratio	3.05	1.00 - 5.00
LDL:HDL Ratio	1.92	0.50 - 3.55
Non HDL Cholesterol	129	90 - 159	mg/dL

Do you SEE those numbers!?!? I have NEVER seen such numbers before! I mean, to the point that I was feeling concerned that perhaps they mixed up my blood with someone else's!

And this brings me full circle to the title of this blog. Clearly, although the number on the scale puts me in the OBESE category, all of my "health" numbers say that I'm healthy. There is not much more that a doctor could want (other than a smaller number on the scale). My cholesterol is now normal, my blood pressure was 116/64; my resting heart rate is around 55-60; my doctor could no longer hear my heart murmur, etc, etc, etc. THIS is the reason why losing weight for my "health" doesn't motivate me. It's really vanity at this point. I suppose I could make myself believe that I don't need to lose weight. I mean, my numbers are probably better than someone who weighs 150lbs. Heck, these numbers are better than when I weighed 150lbs!

But, it comes down to me not being happy with me. I want to be happy with the way I look. I want running to eventually get easier. I want running to eventually get faster. I believe these things will come with less weight. And if my numbers are this good now (even after a really bad week of eating everything that didn't eat me first)....what could they be when I lose the weight!

Oh! I know this post is getting long (but, what else is new, right??). But, another thing with the number topic. Weight Watchers uses BMI to figure out what weight you need to be in order to become a Lifetime Member (and then you don't have to pay for meetings). However, I have NEVER felt that 150lbs was a realistic goal for me to maintain. And, if you read my weight loss story on this blog, you'll see that this fact has messed with my head over the years. I think the reason I ballooned up so big was that since it was never "good enough"; why bother? Well, I decided to address this question with my doctor this week. I've done it before with another doctor. I asked about if there was a way we could figure out what might be a reasonable weight for ME...not for some arbitrary person using some arbitrary scale. However, that doctor pulled out her BMI chart and said "now how tall are you"? Ugh. I was annoyed. Friday I asked this doctor and you know what her response was? She likes to take into account people's skeletal frames and bone structure. She talked about the different frames people have and what that means for weight ranges. Long story short she told me that for ME she would see a reasonable weight range to be from 145 to 160 pounds! You have no idea what that did for me. I can do 160lbs. I KNOW I can do it. And I KNOW I can maintain it. I have before. I've never been sure I could do 150. Maybe I can. And maybe I'll still work to get there. But to have someone tell me 160lbs will be GOOD ENOUGH is so huge I can't even tell you. I'm hoping that this is the thing that makes all the difference.

I can do 160lbs. And, when I get close to that, the doctor will write a letter to Weight Watchers telling them that that is a reasonable weight for me (which then allows me to become lifetime based on the doctor's note). So, my next goal is to hit 10%. But, just knowing that 160 is now my "goal weight" makes all the difference in the world!

And with that, I'll shut the heck up!